Hopefully there aren’t any women left who don’t know the rule of “never ask a man what he’s thinking”.

Everyone knows what happens when you ask a man what he’s thinking. He looks at you with a blankness which defies explanation. He either has no idea what he was thinking, or his ideas about it are kinda vague and indefinite. Sometimes the explanation of how one thought was drifting off to the next just defies logic. There are times when the blankness and vagueness are even more apparent, like when a guy’s been sitting on the toilet without something to read. It’s a lot like when you wake up from a dream, and you can sorta remember some of it, but it’s all kinda behind a wall or something.

The other day, I was thinking about this (believe it or not I actually was sitting on the toilet) and I came up with the ultimate reply for a question about what you’re thinking, put to you by a woman.

“Hey Baby, whatcha thinkin’?”

“Well, I was thinking about that guy I read about in the paper who killed his wife with a screw gun. I was wonderin’ if he had that thing on high or low, and if that would affect the blood pattern. …” If your wife’s mouth wasn’t agape and a look of horror wasn’t on her face by that time, you could go on about torque settings and rotational speeds, whether a Dremel might not have been a better tool, etc.

What makes this even better is that it can be used more than once with even more profound effect. “Well, there was this guy in the paper who killed his wife with a bulldozer, but I’m just thinkin’ he coulda done the same thing with the family car. I mean, the weight woulda been lighter, but I bet 4000 pounds coulda done the job. And then if you used the snow tires… .” She may want to stop you at some point, and when she does, you can just look at her with a sweet smile.

Warning– your wife or girlfriend may want to spend some time at her sister’s after that. But it’s pretty much quaranteed she’ll never ask you that question again. Also, you might want to rethink your strategy if she suddenly develops a burning desire to visit the next gun show in your area. I’m just sayin’.